I hesitate to post this. My finger has sat ready over the enter key for what seems an eternity. Do I really get this real with you all? Will you still like me? Ah, and there is the reason I am writing this in the first place. . . I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t feel insecure. In fact, I almost started to believe that it was part of my make-up, hard-wired into my DNA. From the time I was a frizzy-haired, bespectacled scrawny girl; insecurity pervaded my thoughts and eked its way out into my life and my very being. Like a slow-poison or a progressive disease, it’s threatened to choke the life from me. It still does. Thin, fat, popular, invisible, pretty, plain – I’ve been them all, and no matter which shape I take, insecurity’s grip has held steady.
It leaves you utterly lonely in a room full of people you love, who love you; frantic over an unanswered text or unreturned call; glued to your smartphone or laptop – eagerly scanning Facebook, Twitter -hoping, yes praying even for someone to notice, to see you. It has you grabbing the wrong size of shirt, again. Another purchase to return when it is glaringly obvious that it’s too large; glancing in every available mirror not because you like how you look, but because you’re convinced you look ridiculous. It drives you to distrust and hide, to bury feelings and suffer in silence. After all, there’s nothing worse than an outwardly insecure woman.
And if any of this rings true for you, I am here declaring to you all that this is me. This is my battle, my thorn in my side. I hide it well, and share it with few, but lately the struggle has gotten so great, the burden so heavy that I feel like I have to share it, and say to you my sister (and yes, perhaps my brother) that you are not alone. I need to know that I am not alone in this fight. I recognize this for what it is – a stronghold on my life – an area where I lack freedom. I want to walk about in freedom. Galatians 5:1 “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” NASB
Author and Bible teacher Beth Moore talks about insecurity in Praying God’s Word, “Want suddenly feels like need. A hidden pocket of unmet needs quakes and leaves a cavern. The fear of the feeling of being unloved is probably our greatest source of insecurity, whether or not we can always articulate it.” She also points to Proverbs 19:22 “What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.” NIV We scratch and scramble to amass things, fame, regard, goals but when we get down to it, it’s unfailing love that we so desperately desire. Here’s the deal, only God and God alone can deliver and sustain, can be the SOURCE OF Unfailing Love. Moore adds, “Searching for perfect, unfailing love In anyone else (or anything else) is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive.”
I know this. I’ve known this for a long time. 2 Peter 2:22, “Of them the proverbs are true: ‘A dog returns to its vomit,’ and, ‘A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.’” NIV Disgusting, right? God is good at not messing around, and here Peter is describing those who have been freed by Christ through knowing Him and return to the yoke of slavery. It’s sobering. It’s frustrating. It makes me want to beat my head against the wall. Yet . . . YET, I have hope. For the first time in my life, I am ready to call a spade a spade. I am here, calling out plainly that it’s not acceptable to let insecurity control my emotions, ruin relationships and leave me cowering. I was created for His glory (Isaiah 43:7, NASB) I was not set free, unbound and paid for at such a high cost for a life marked by insecurity.
Bear with me for a minute here, stick with me while I get really, really nerdy. . . One of my favorite, favorite series of books is the Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien. One of my favorite characters from the trilogy is Eowyn of Rohan. Eowyn is a woman well acquainted with sorrow, a woman perhaps who struggles with loneliness and insecurity, but she is a warrior and fierce. Eowyn ends up disobeying her uncle, King of Rohan and disguises herself as a man in order to fight alongside her people in their epic battle against Mordor and essentially the evil that threatens to take over the land. In Return of the King Eowyn faces the Nazgûl (a vile, dragon-like creature ridden by an equally vile and evil character) head on. I remember how they portrayed her in the film adaptation, and it is perfect in my opinion. She stands in borrowed armor, trembling with fear (anyone else who has come up against this creature has died, swiftly) but as she realizes WHO she is she also trembles with rage and righteous indignation. She kills it (and if you’ve read the book/seen the movie you find out that only a woman was capable of killing her foe as she did…awesome!)
This is me. Trembling with fear for fear of never overcoming this beast known as insecurity but tired of it and indignant in knowing WHO I am and WHOSE I am. Romans 8:37 “But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.”
The question is, are you struggling/have you struggled with insecurity? Will you stand up and fight?