In just about every English novel, the characters “go away to the countryside” to rest and relax. While I am not going to the countryside to play cards and have tea, I am going away this weekend to relax. My heart and mind need a serious break.
Not so long ago, today would be a very important date in my life. And it wasn’t. I was fine with it until this evening, and then I am a mess. Grief is so unpredictable. Grief is not orderly, and that is frustrating.
And tomorrow, Jonah starts first grade. And I am not handling it well. Funnily, I was fine with kindergarten. I bragged about how well I did on his first day. I beamed with pride over my non-emotional handing off of my oldest child to the public education system. And then came first grade. He’s not little anymore. He’s long-legged, has big feet, says big words out of context and can carry his baby sister with ease. He’s growing up, and first grade is just a series of numbered grades that lead to 12, which leads to leaving home. Dramatic? Yes. I’m allowed some drama. I was warned by another first grade parent not to cry in front of the boy, and I won’t. I’ll just blubber the whole way home, and I’ll get over it. Like a kid at work said today, “My mom doesn’t cry on my first day of school anymore. I guess since I am in 5th grade I got old and she got over it.” Wide words my adolescent friend.
And this same kid told me I looked like a “30-something American Girl doll.” What? Children are strange.
The icing on the literal cake is Julia’s 1st birthday on Monday. We are celebrating this weekend at my parent’s place (in THE COUNTRY!) There will be cake, and pictures of my half-naked child diving into cake and pink, and grannies and aunties and love. I can’t wait! I am not too sad about her turning one. I think it’s awesome. She and Lyla are already becoming little buddies, and it’s beautiful and terrifying., Terrifying for Jonah because they are going to conspire against and gang up on the poor boy. And truly, he probably is just going to get what he has been dishing out. Sigh. It’s a never-ending cycle of crazy!
So there you go. A lovely mother-rant. Enjoy. If you are looking for me, I’ll be the mom in the corner crying and eating cake. 🙂