It was a muggy summer evening in a dimly lit cabin full of teenagers. I squirmed nervously as I stood against a painted cement block wall, knowing it was time to make my decision. There was no aisle to walk, no pew to pray on. Just a room full of bowed heads and willing hearts. I could see my pastor praying out of the corner of my eye. Was he praying for me?  Me, the sad little girl from Austin. The misplaced Texan with the funny accent, wild clothes and a hurting heart? Me, who he had to literally drag to camp. I wouldn’t even ride the bus with the rest of the group. Some might have viewed it as snobbery, the real truth was it was fear. Fear of not being accepted . . . by them, by the kids at camp, by God. Didn’t God know the darkness of my heart; the depth of the hurt from the junk going on at home between my parents on the brink of a split; the loneliness? And all the times I had blasphemed and walked away from the gospel? Would He accept me now?

I had arrived at camp, which was not anything like any camp I had been to. Besides the dirt, the heat, the streets teaming with kids, there was an electricity in the air. All week long, everywhere I turned, I heard The Name. His name. The story, the message, the hope. Jesus.

On a Thursday night after the worship service in the wooden, open-air tabernacle, my heart came alive. I understood my sin; called it what it was. I wanted – no – I needed salvation. I needed Him to love me for me. I needed a hope and a future. So there I stood, quite literally, backed up against a wall. Heads all bowed, someone quietly singing Amazing Grace . . . I sighed audibly and in my heart and prayed, asking Jesus to forgive me, to come into my life and my heart, vowing to follow Him all of my days.

My eyes snapped open. I could feel my heart thrumming in my chest. It would all be different now . . . and it was. As the devotional time ended and the group filed out and up to the dormitories, I stopped and took my pastor’s hand, simply blurting out, “I want to be baptized tomorrow.” His face registered a mixture of surprise, confusion and joy. “Have you accepted Christ as your Savior?” he asked tentatively.  I grinned. “Yes. Just now!” I exclaimed. He smiled broadly. I knew he could see it in my eyes. He hugged me saying, “Tomorrow morning then!”  I went to bed, for maybe the first time in many years, with peace.

The next morning was beautiful and cool. The dust on the ground dappled with the shadows of early summer leaves shimmering in the breeze. I dressed in my favorite jeans and a long flowered blouse for my baptism. After breakfast we headed down to the creek, its clear, cold water tumbling rapidly over mossy rocks. My pastor waded carefully out into the middle of a shallow section and began to call us who were to be baptized one by one. At last, I heard  my name and leaped up to make my way to the middle where my pastor gripped my arms to hold me up against the current. I gasped; the water was cold but exhilarating. I looked up and around at the faces of the kids I had come to camp with, these kids I had struggled with to be accepted, and I saw that we were all one in the same, sinners needing grace.

Then, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost my pastor dipped me back, and I slipped under the rush of cool water and bursting up and out into the warm air . . . new. New! I grinned like a fool and sloshed my way to the bank where my group clapped and cheered and a towel awaited. I shivered there in the morning sunlight knowing that I would never be the same again.

I thought of all this today as I joined in celebrating the baptisms of  new believers at my church. My own was such a long time ago, more than fifteen years now, and still so fresh in my mind. I am so thankful for this gift He gave, for the joy of salvation and for the beauty of obedience in baptism.

#65. Shampooing Lyla’s hair – silken, smelling of lavender and lilac

#75. Rain splattering on my windows at night, soaking into the earth, giving it a good drink

#78. The baby sleeping with her hands clasped behind her head. Total relaxation.

#81. The truth spoken in love. Proverbs 27:6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.”

#82. Crumpled tissues soaked with repentant tears, healing tears.

#88. The hope of spring.

This has been a rough week. Spiritually, physically – I feel like I have been battered on all sides. And at the very heart of it all, when I really got down to it with the help of a most trusted friend (or sister, really) there was sin rearing it’s ugly head. And that mixed with an issue that needs healing, has for a long time . . . well, God bless my sweet friend who goes head to head with me when I am an emotional mess. It was a little like pulling teeth, but she does not give up easy, and neither does my Lord. Thanks be to Him.

I felt a little, or a lot, like Israel. Here I am having walked through the parted sea, escaped destruction, provided for in every way and delivered into the promised land, and I find myself grumbling(Numbers 14:27). Grumbling. It’s ludicrous!  And even still, sometimes I feel like I specialize in the ludicrous, the ridiculous, the crazy.

And it’s when I acknowledge my wrong and grieve it, that the strain, the stress, the hurt begins to drain away. I’m all the more desperate for His grace. And I read tonight in One Thousand Gifts  a retelling of Jacob wrestling with God (Genesis 32:24-31) where Jacob becomes, Israel. After wrestling all night with a man, who is God unbeknownst to Jacob, God touches Jacob at the socket of his thigh, crippling him. Jacob will not let go and says, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

Living in thanks, I also refuse to let go. Tenacity.

And Ann shares a quote from preacher James H. McConkey, “The Lord has to break us down at the strongest part of our self-life before He can have His own way of blessing us.”  I read that and sat, mouth gaping. And I said aloud, “Bless me, bless me. I thank you for this mess, for the breaking, for all of it. Just bless me. I won’t let go.”

It’s not an empty promise. It’s what is. It’s what I must say to people who say, “Oh I could never live through what you have.” Yes you could and you will, we all must . . . be broken, and you must not let go.

And now I am all worn out in a good way. Emptied of me and filled up with the truth that I continue to learn year after year, that when I come to the end of myself, I come to the beginning of His glory.

James 1:22-24  says “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

Word up.

I’ve been so, so very guilty of this. Merely listening, just tasting but not chewing. Not allowing it to go down to the inward parts and transform me from the inside out. And in so doing, I lie to myself. And self, she is a wicked good liar. Tells me I’m okay, everyone slips up sometimes, it’s not a big deal. Tells me I’m not as bad as “so and so”. Tells me to just substitute intimacy with I AM for some other god.

Jeremiah 17:9 (NASB) The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

Yikes. All that advice to just “follow your heart.” No thanks.

Merely hearing the word and not obeying it, it’s like seeing my self in the mirror and still have no clue what I look like. Like looking into God’s word and totally missing HIM. His beauty, His grace, His holiness.

Friends look at what happens when you really listen, when you drink deeply . . .

James 1:25 25 (NASB)  But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

Exodus 20:6  (NLT) But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

The blog is a really interesting thing because a person can, through a few key strokes, share their opinion, belief, hope, issue, whatever – with literally the whole world. Wow, now there’s some perspective for you. Makes me and my little piece of web feel so very small and kind of intimidated.

A little background: According to Wikipedia blogs emerged in the late 1990s with the term “blog” coined in 1999. By 2oo4, blogging really began to rise in popularity and by this time last year, there were some 156 million public blogs in existence. Cripes. That’s a whole lotta blogging!

Personally, I began mine in 2007. I had just moved back to Oklahoma from Tennessee. I was writing for an advertising publication out of Nashville still and staying home with Jonah. I had not really made any friends here just yet. In truth, I was terribly homesick for Tennessee. I needed to reach out. Tell SOMEONE how I was feeling. And in the beginning, that’s really all that it was. I pounded out my thoughts onto that keyboard just as if I were chatting with an old friend. I know it sounds dumb, but for a time, that blog seemed like my only link to a world of loved ones that I could not reach out and touch.

Over the years, I stuck with it, and slowly, it evolved into this. Something I am actually proud of. A vehicle of encouragement and hope to friends and strangers alike. A way to share my faith with anyone who is willing to read it. A way to say to you all, “Life is devastatingly hard and unfair, but God, oh my Lord, He is so good. His blood speaks a better word. His grace, sufficient.”

And with that said, enough yammering from me. I want to share a few new blogs I am reading with you. Some are new to the blogging world, some have been at it awhile like I have. At any rate, give them a read and some support!

Happy blogging!

Pieces of Me – Personal blog of long time friend Rose. Rose and I went to school together in Austin. I’m pretty sure she is one of the only believers I knew then and maybe my first exposure to the gospel. She’s a great girl, wonderful mama and wife and shares candidly about her fitness/faith journey.

Think Godly - Personal blog of also long time friend Matt. A reawakening of faith led Matt to start blogging and tweeting (@matthewreborn) about whatever God is laying on his heart and mind, encouragement, scripture, etc. It’s fresh, concise and without pretense. Enjoy!

JenHatmaker.com - Jen is a transplanted Okie Austinite. She is a woman on fire. Full of passion, wit, humor, courage and Jesus. She challenges our cultural norms and challenges us to live lives fully and radically devoted to Christ and in turn devoted to the poor, the marginalized, the orphans and the hurting. If you want a spiritual butt-kicking combined with a laugh, happy reading.

I actually think to myself as I look around my less than tidy home, “Well, I could think of a few things I am not thankful for.” As that thought slipped out of my mind, my hand went to my heart. How dare I? Apparently, I have a lot of work to do. Psalm 139:23 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”  I pray that in earnest. 

I am telling you friends, it is startling to look at this world with a gratitude perspective. Here are a few from my list for this week:

3. The first bite of breakfast – it’s so lovely to feel your body audibly sigh its own ‘thank you’

12. Rahab . . . amazing faith rewarded with an amazing legacy.

13. A family linked arm in arm, worshiping together

20. Dance  . . . does a soul good.

22. Dirty dishes and laundry – they tell of Your provision!

25. Wrapping a warm towel straight from the dryer around Julia as I plucked her out of the bath . . . she giggled in absolute happiness.

16. HOPE

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens and therefore fulfill the law of Christ.”

I firmly believe that God has gifted me with encouragement. Ever since I stepped into the light of Christ, I’ve felt an urge to push others towards Him. Ask any of my friends, I am your biggest cheerleader. I believe in you . . . because I believe in Him. He who is able to do far more abundantly beyond what we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20)

And it’s been my recurring theme these past two years and now into 2012; Counting it all joy. I’ve written about it, studied the book of James like a crazed woman, sang about it . . . experienced it. The truth is that we find the deepest intimacy with Christ when we are at the end of our ropes. And when we are thankful.

A friend invited me to her home for lunch this fall. She’s such an amazing person. A mom to four, homeschools, an amazing cook, an amazing teacher – just an amazing friend. She and I sat chatting over a beautiful but simple lunch, me a little too excited that there were pomegranates, and she brought up this book. This book about gratitude. A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It only took me 5 months, but I got it, and was devastated by chapter 2.

It is the overwhelming fact of our ingratitude which makes it to hard to believe that God is good. It is my unbelief in His goodness and my failure to thank Him, for the millions of gifts He gives, that presses me down. And that’s all changing.

I said my words for 2012 were going to be joy and peace. No. My word will be gratitude. Because I am grateful that He has grace on me, an often flighty, excitable, sanguine, woman. A silly woman who loves Christ, who loves my children, my friends, my family – furiously. Enough to ask you to come with me on this journey.

Please check out Ann’s site, and watch for my Thanks-living posts as I take the Joy Dare to count One Thousand Gifts this year.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,900 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

So, friends, the question is – resolutions or no resolutions? What camp are you in?

I am in the no resolutions camp, for once. Here’s what I have figured out after a little reflection: my past resolutions were merely wishful thinking of things I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do. So this year, no resolutions, just a determination to live healthier in every way, to laugh more, to dance more (literally and figuratively), to be more grateful and more intentional day-to-day.

I am walking into 2012  armed with this thought from Oswald Chambers:

“Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him.”

And I thank you all, friends, for your amazing encouragement and support throughout 2011. Thank you for walking with me through the valleys and sharing my joy.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

All my Love,

Crystal    

As we make the march towards a whole new year, I have decided to take Jon Acuff’s sagely advice and take a bloggie break. As in, no new content, BUT yes, there will still be some content to enjoy.

For today, I bring you 5 favorite blog posts of 2011. It seems that lists are all the rage for blogs these days, and I say heck, if you can’t think of anything else to write, join em!  Without further adieu . . .

1. Sneaking out of Church Early by Jon Acuff on Stuff Christians Like.  ”If you’re able to exit the service like a sleek jungle cat through palm fronds or a coyote sneaking up on a chicken (if you prefer Grand Canyon similes instead of Tropic of Capricorn similes,) I can respect that. When I open my eyes after praying and all I see is a dust outline of you, like in the Road Runner cartoons, I’ll shake my head and simply say to myself, “Well played sir. Well played indeed.”

2. I love The Pioneer Woman. I tried to pick one favorite post, but it was too hard. Instead, I give you her most recent post which includes wonderful new . . . a NEW COOKBOOK!  My thighs do not thank you Mrs. Drummond.

3. A friend told me about a little book called One Thousand Gifts (which I DO intend to read soon!) but I have become a big fan of the author’s blog – A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp. She’s wordy, which I like, paints amazing word pictures and cuts you to the bone. Not many blogs have brought on the water works, but this one has. This post is from last week . . . God’s word is alive and active.

4. After the Airport by Jen Hatmaker – fellow Austinite, awesome Bible study writer/speaker and real person who is who she is. This post resonated with me because while I have not had the heart-wrenching experience of going through not one but two  international adoptions and then living to tell about it, I have gone through some unbelievable circumstances and have lived to tell about it, and to remind those suffering that there is an after. 

5. As a mother to two little girls who are already getting into the princess thang, this was funny and relevant! Positive Princesses? Perhaps.